Some thoughts to share about Gotcha Day

Good morning everyone. Mark and the kids are all at the park. I am here, alone with Elizabeth. What precious time this is. She just fell asleep, so while she is sleeping I wanted to take a chance and share with you some of my thoughts. As I stared into her precious face and she looked back at me all I felt was the same oneness that I felt with my other four when they were little. It hit me that this child truly is my child. Her birth was different, but I feel like I have been pregnant with her longer then with the others. I was overwhelmed with thanksgiving for such a privlidge. I am so thankful to this country and their allowing us to come and adopt her. I thought about how we would feel if 100's of Chinese or any other country for that matter came to America to adopt our children. What would we think? I was ashamed at my initial secret thoughts. I honestly think it would have bothered me... at least up until now. I think I would have resented them and felt badly for the child who would no longer have the USA heritage. It was then that I realized how gracious the people here are.

I guess I realized that it wouldn't be surprising for them to be angry and to talk badly to us.... but instead, noone has been mean or angry. Almost everyone is full of smiles and joyful. Some are curious, but even they are kind and gracious to us. They probably stare in amazement or wonder or joy.. who knows? I think many have expressed their deep happiness for the baby and for us. Some have said "lucky baby"... to them I reply, "No, lucky us".

This is the first time that i have had the alone time to really ponder. OH, hOw deep these feelings run.

I never shared with you the gotcha day moment. I hope to share some now. Sam video taped most of it. We laughed and cried through it. I think I was more numb then anything. I was nervous, excited, but nothing what I thought I would be. I was taking it all in. I thought my heart would be jumping out of my skin. I thought I would cry and laugh and not be able to breath out of excitement. But instead, my heart was full of joy and saddness all mixed together. I think my emotions were so overwhelmed that the only response I could have was numbness. Like the birth of a baby, you anticipate it for so long until finally that day comes. As a mom, you are so involved in the delivery, that you really don't have time to become emotional or think. It is all so exciting. For Elizabeth, we had 16 months of waiting for her, 3 plane rides and 4 days in China just waiting. The wait had been so long and so emotional.

Before we went to get our babies, one parent had to meet with Amy and Kevin to sign paperwork. THat parent was me. It was then that we got to see a new picture of our little ones. I was so excited and couldn't wait! I was the last to see her face. My heart was pounding until I saw her. My heart saddened. I don't know why. But I saw her face and got very sad. It was an unexpected feeling. I was shocked. I couldn't tell anyone for fear that maybe I was disappointed in what she looked like or something, though I didn't think I was....maybe that is why I was numb. It wasn't until today that I realize why I was so sad. The other babies were smiling and happy and cute. Elizabeth was sad and frightened. I think I felt such pain for her at that moment and fear that she would be frightened with us. I felt the trauma that she would be going through leaving the only home she knew and coming into our family.. foreigners in every aspect. In one moment her little life was going to be turned upside down. That look on her face broke me. I fight tears as I write this because for the first time I am realizing what I felt.

What was I going to put her through? My baby that I had prayed for for so long? The pain in her eyes was devastating. Yes, that is why I was numb. Well, fast forward to the moment we got to the Civil Affairs office. ...

The bus pulled up and everyone was so excited. They were trying to get there first. We just lagged behind. I didn't mind being last. I was nervous. Everyone got upstairs and we were the last to get in the elevator. We were the last to see the babies. In fact, we could hardly see them because everyone had crowded in. I seached the 5 babies and thought I saw her. Again, that sad look on her face. It was a look of bewilderment and sadness, not fear. We were not able to look at the babies anymore, but asked to move into a room and wait until they brought the babies to us. Again, when we went into the room, we worked our way to the back. Everyone wanted up front to be the first to see the babies. We waited for a little while. Clay asked if we oculd pray together. We gathered into a circle and prayed. It was priceless. The emotions were strong and I fought them. Then they told us it was time to get our babies. We went back into the front area. I thought it would be somewhat ceremonial, but it was not. I think we were the 4th to be called. We saw her in the arms of a gentleman, oblivious to what was about to happen to her. They called Millers and then I think they said Jiake. I had to work through people to get to her. I thought that I would grab her so quickly and hold her so tightly, but I didn't. I moved slowly to her and slowly took her from their arms. I held her close and looked into her eyes. It was such a look. It was that moment that I gave birth to my little girl.... in a way that is so similar to natural birth. The pain, this time was not the physical pain of giving birth, but a heart pain. I was taking my little girl away from all that she knew, knowing her life will never be the same. It was hard to be overflowing with joy, I think I just pondered it. I was thrilled, excited, joyful, happy, in love, yet I was sad and broken for her.

Much of that day is faded in my mind. There was so much going on and so many emotions that I honestly can't sort through them all.

I look at her now, asleep in the playpen and my heart stops. Much like it does for a woman or father who just gave birth. You stare at your newborn for hours in amazement. The wonders of God fill your mind. Well, it is the same way now. I stare at her and wonder. I am in awe. I love her as much as I love each of my children. It feels like she has always been a part of our family. I can't imagine life wihtout her. ... just like I felt when each of the other four were born.

I look outside to the country she was born into. What an amazing country this is. SHe has a heritage that I hope to always remind her of. It will never be the same, I will never be able to give her the same as if she were living here, but we will not take it away from her. We will remind her of the wonderful things that are a part of who she is. The gifts she has been given by being born Chinese just as we will remind her of the gifts she is given by being grafted into our family. I don't know how it will all effect her. I don't know what identity issues she will face, but I know the one true God who will never leave her nor forsake her, who knows the answers she will be looking for, and who loves her and has held her this whole time. We will teach her of Him and His ways and His truths. When the time comes that Daddy and I can not answer her questions, we pray she will know God to go to Him for those answers.

Is it all worth it? Yes! Becoming a parent, whatever way God plans, is beautiful and a gift. To write it all down is impossible.